Eating Disorders

This morning I have a long awaited appointment to have a coronary angiography.  This is a test that will determine whether or not I truly do have a blockage in one or more of my arteries, and will measure the size of the hole in my heart.  I am completely terrified.  My fear is making me angry.  I'm angry, because at the age of 28 I shouldn't be needing to step foot in a cardiologist's office, let alone having extensive tests performed.  There is a good possibility that unfortunate genetics are to blame for this.  But there is an even bigger possibility that I brought on these problems by nearly starving myself to death over 15 years ago.

Today I feel an overwhelming need to pull every delicately aged girl and boy aside to give them a word of caution.  There is nothing glamorous about extreme dieting.  If you're a parent reading this...share it with your kids.  If you're not a parent...share this with your nieces and nephews, and cousins, and neighbor's kids.  I think a lot of times these disorders begin with going on a simple diet- and it's easy to ignore the future when you've got the promise of immediate gratification.  When you're a tween/teen/young adult, it's easy to do damage to your body (even when you're fully aware of the risks) because there are so many examples in the media of people who have engaged in risky behavior and have eventually grown out of it and gone on to become successful people.  There are not enough examples of those portraying the reality of what these disorders can do to the body, mind, and spirit.  There is also this idea that any damage done during the duration of an eating disorder is reversible.  And that is why I am happily stepping up to say- this is just not true.

Instead of listing the signs and symptoms of Anorexia and Bulimia (which you can check out here if you are interested) I want to shed some light on how my life is and will forever be different after years of severe and mild starvation.

• I still have trouble concentrating and there are entire years of my life of which I have no memory.  I have pictures of events I can't remember...at all.  When you're body is done burning all the fat, it begins to eat at the muscle.  And when you run out of muscle, it begins eating your internal organs, including the brain.  When they did a CT scan of my brain the first few days at the hospital, they said that bits of my brain had been eaten and replaced with fluid.  Though the tissue has regrown and new neural pathways can always been built- I will never get those memories, experiences, or feelings back.  Ever.
• I have 48 fillings, one root canal, one crown and am scheduled to have six more, and I have lost three permanent teeth.  My dentist estimates that by the age of 40 I will have dentures.
• I still get dizzy when I stand.
• Simple falls result in fractures.  My bone density scan revealed the bones of a 60 year old.
• Even though I was blessed to have three beautifully healthy children, I suffered through the same number of excruciating miscarriages.  
• My nails, teeth, and hair are brittle.
• I live with agonizing abdominal pain almost every day.  I take 6-8 Imodium every single day because my bowels have trouble functioning properly and 2 Zantac to control my acid-eaten esophagus.
• My metabolism is SLOW.  Ironically, I have to monitor my caloric intake carefully to be sure I don't become overweight, which isn't fun when you're a recovered Anorexic.
• And now my heart.  I'll have to get back to you about what damage has been done to my heart.  But there is no question in my mind that my life span has been shortened.  The question now is to what extent.

Please understand that even though eating disorders are traditionally thought to afflict teen girls with perfectionist personalities...they can strike anyone at any time and there is nothing pretty about them.

Janet
 

Recommitted

I am ashamed that my last post on this blog was in December.  Especially considering all that has happened in my life since then.  I have learned so many precious lessons since Miss Lyla Rose was born.  Becoming a mom of three hasn't exactly been seamless.  But it has been heavenly.  It's hard to wake up every morning and not recognize the many miracles that have happened, despite my constant worrying, pain, frustration, and anxiety.  I would have to really go out of my way not to feel the love of Heavenly Father in every facet of my life- all the blessings.

That being said, my role as a mom of three under the age of four is exhausting.  No- the word exhausting doesn't cover it.  The thesaurus does a pretty good job though...My role as a mom makes me feel physically bankrupt, burnt out, conked out, crippled, debilitated, disabled, done in, drained, enervated, bled dry, depleted, devoured (that's my favorite), desperate, dispersed, dissipated, fatigued, sapped, taxed, tired, weary, etc...

But then I look at this...

And I'm reminded of one of my favorite poems by Katie Van Dyke- Sweet Monotony 

Feeding

FeedingBurping

FeedingBurpingChanging

FeedingBurpringChangingCooing

FeedingBurpingChangingCooingFussing

FeedingBurpringChangingingCookingFussingRockingSleeping

FeedingBurpingChangingCooingFussingRockingSleepingWaking

BurpingChangingCooingFussingRockingSleepingWaking

CHangingCooingFussingRockingSleepingWaking

CooingFussingRockingSleepingWaking

RockingSleepingWaking

SleepingWaking

Waking

Though the order may change,

the motions are the same.

Regardless of time,

regardless of day,

My life

and the life of my baby's

is made up of the same movements

over and

over and

over again.

It is exhausting

for both of us.

I sometimes long for a change...Does she?

But then I remember that

music is made

using the same seven notes in variation.

And only twenty-six letters combine 

to create poems, and plays, and masterpieces.

I realize that monotony can create miracles.

So I will go through the motions with my baby

and we will dance

through the pages

of our own story.

Janet

Big Days

Last week I had to run a few errands and had the glorious opportunity to do it without my kids. Taking full advantage of this, I decided to do some Christmas shopping and pick up all the supplies for Emma's birthday party coming up. My cart was full and I was just about to the checkout line when a little voice bubbled from inside me saying, "You're taking all the fun out of this for Emma." I suddenly remembered each of my birthdays, with pretty good clarity, and how my Mom would take just me on a birthday specific shopping trip. She'd let me choose the theme, the decorations, cups and plates, and what I'd like to put in the goody bags. And for me, this planning was so much more exciting than the actual party. I looked like a total weirdo in Hobby Lobby- putting away every item that I had just spent the last hour searching for. But from my own experience, I know Emma will remember and hopefully appreciate her participation, even though it is going to be an inconvenience for me to take her from store to store.

When I think of anything worthwhile in my life that I've done, the preparation has always been more meaningful than the actual event. I have a friend that always says she hates "big days"- such as wedding days, birthdays, proms, anniversaries, etc. Because there is always this pressure for everything to be perfect. I really have to agree with her. Even though I am looking forward to Emma's little birthday party on Saturday- I can't wait to take her shopping, and assemble the goody bags together. I'm so thankful there are a million more "regular days" than there are "big days." It seems it's usually on those normal days that the truly memorable stuff happens.

Forget Me Not

In the most recent General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf caught my undivided attention with his talk, "Forget Me Not." He used the tiny blue forget-me-not flower as a metaphor, its five petals representing five principles he felt the women of the world needed to be reminded of. His first reminder was to be patient with ourselves. He says, "I want to tell you something I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time time and energy comparing ourselves to others- usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths." The talk is too wonderful to paraphrase, so please check it out.

I have never struggled with recognizing my own weaknesses- I guess you could say finding my weaknesses is a strength of mine, but the depression and anxiety that stems from that awareness has always been a very intense struggle. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest of six- I have a lot to live up to. Or maybe it's because I am a member of a religion that puts such an emphasis on spiritual development and personal and family achievement. But honestly, I think this constant self-imposed punishment stems from the fact that I'm a woman- and that's just what we do. I understand that it is one of the adversary's most powerful tools, comparison. And Elder Uchtdorf perfectly explained why this is. Imagine the time and energy wasted when that time is spent trying to live up to some ideal we've created- based on the successes of someone else. All the while, our own strengths are being completely neglected, or at least underestimated. Another reason I have found comparison to be so awful is because it slowly eats away at our ability to see the beauty in others. The flip-side of only noticing others' strengths, is the destructive habit of meticulously searching out their flaws in an effort to make ourselves feel better. Again- huge time waster. But also, I have found that during those times when I'm caught up in silently picking someone apart (or worse- verbally), I couldn't be in a space farther from my own personal progress, or the spirit of God. I think the worst side effect of paying too much attention to our weakness in contrast to others' strengths is that gratitude has taken a backseat, or has been completely kicked out of the picture. I am finding that if I take the time to regularly count my blessings, there isn't as much room for negativity. And I'm thankful to my friends for reminding me of that. When it comes down to it, I just need to do something I should have learned to do in kindergarten...mind my own business.

Janet

Not Always Happy

It's been a while since I've quoted the book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff...and it's all small stuff." by Richard Carlson, Ph.d. But the man perfectly put into words what I've been feeling lately by saying, "Be grateful when you're feeling good and graceful when you're feeling bad." I've been feeling really, really, REALLY bad lately. I feel like I've been smacked upside the head by a crapstick! But I'm hesitant to complain because I'm also aware of how infinitely blessed I have been. I'm trying to find that place where I can be comfortable with the fact that things don't always have to be great. Carlson goes on to say, "The happiest person on earth isn't always happy. In fact, the happiest people all have their fair share of low moods, problems, disappointments, and heartache. Often the difference between a person who is happy and someone who is unhappy isn't how often they get low, or even how low they drop, but instead it's what they do with their low moods. How do they relate to their changing feelings?" (Carlson, pg. 139).

"When you observe peaceful, relaxed people, you find that when they are feeling good, they are very grateful. They understand both positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won't be feeling so good. To happy people, this is okay, its the way of things. They accept the inevitability of passing feelings. So, when they are feeling depressed, angry, or stressed out, they relate to these feelings with the same openness and wisdom." (Carlson, pg. 140).

Janet

Belly Pillows

I found out I was pregnant for the sixth time this past July. Out of self preservation I tucked the test away in my top dresser drawer as if to say, "We'll see." I didn't smile, or experience fluttering giddiness. I didn't even tell Trenton. I made a conscious decision to live in denial. That is why, when I started bleeding, I was able to calmly take myself to the emergency room and prepare for the reality of my fourth miscarriage. During the ultrasound the technician didn't allow me to see the screen, which I was used to. They don't display the image until they're sure everything is okay. My eyes were closed when she told me to take a peek. The tech began assuring me that she was seeing the tiny flicker of a developing heart. She happily reported, "This is the earliest gestation I've ever scanned a heartbeat. I think that's a pretty good indication that the baby is strong!" Exactly two weeks later, I was steam rolled by the most inescapable morning, noon, and night sickness. A persistent sickness that didn't tolerate self preserving denial. A sickness that required a very diligent, "Let's do this!" mentality, just to survive it.

I am entering my 13th week. Even with the intolerable nausea and constant reminders of my condition the past 7 weeks, it didn't really sink in that I was creating another human being until tonight. I was forced to buy some maternity clothes because, after the defeat of previous miscarriages, I gave all my maternity clothes away. While I was in the dressing room I tried on one of the "belly pillows" that gives you a very lumpy and asymmetrical idea of what you'll look like during the later months of pregnancy. And there I was with a swollen belly again. For the first time since I had lost faith in my ability to have another child, I realized...I am sharing my womb again with my baby. And in that very sweet, semi-private dressing room- I suddenly felt like the sun was filling my abdomen.

Janet

Faith Without Works...

Day 296

"Get on your knees and PRAY. Then get on your feet and WORK."

-Gordon B. Hinckley






Janet