Dad

Day 213 (September 19, 2010)

Today I went shopping with my dad- which is especially fun because of his " go ahead and throw it in the cart" attitude. But as we were driving home he clued me in on how he felt about me...how he viewed me as a person- as a daughter, mother, wife, employee, etc. I was sure he must have been talking about someone else, or that I've been putting on a really good show for the past 27 years. But then I realized who this uplifting opinion was coming from. My father. I thought of the infinite worth of my own two children, how perfect they are, how smart and loving. And how much it hurts to know that some day they aren't going to see themselves from my perspective anymore. They are going to believe what the world is telling them concerning their self-worth and that just isn't accurate information. I guess I'll have to be even louder than the world as my babies grow up. And as far as my own self-worth? I think I'll keep having these conversations with my parents, who will always view me as nothing less than perfect. It's their God commissioned job to do so!

I also learned today as I was waiting in a Dr. office that the rate at which you should do compressions for CPR are 100 per minute. That's about the same rate as the beat to the Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive." Good thing to know if you're ever put in that awful situation.

Janet

Cake Mix Zucchini Bread

Day 212

Today I tried a new recipe for Zucchini bread- it is so simple, and totally delicious!

4 cups shredded zucchini
2 boxes spice cake mix
6 eggs
1 cup apple sauce

Mix and bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Happy Fall!

Janet

Rosy Sunday

Day 211

"To live content with small means;

To seek elegance rather than luxury,

and refinement rather than fashion.

To be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich.

To study hard, think quietly,

talk gently,

act frankly.

To listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;

To bear all cheerfully.

Do all bravely.

Await occasions,

hurry never.

In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common."

THIS IS TO BE MY SYMPHONY

By William Henry Channing

Judgement

Day 210

Today I learned just how pointless it is to anticipate someone's actions, motives, dreams etc. based on stereotypes. I've always known that but today I was given an example of just how pointless it really is. You just can't judge a book by its cover. Really, we shouldn't even be judging at all.

Janet

Losing Control

Day 209

For the last few days I have had the most intense desire to just bail. I find myself daydreaming about packing a few boxes of our junk, selling the rest, buying four plane tickets and completely bailing out on our life here. It's not that I'm unhappy. I am happier than I've ever been. I'm just feeling cheated out of enjoying this happiness completely. Everything is so scheduled and tight. There is so little wiggle room for doing nothing and I am beginning to resent that. Maybe I'll consider following through with my plan someday, but for now- cheese tasting in Italy will have to wait. I realized today that what I'm looking for is a way to let go of some control. I go to bed every night with this huge knot in my neck because I've spent the day micromanaging every detail of not only my day, but two others as well. I could use a real lesson in letting go.
I've done that once before. I decided on a total whim to move to Europe when I was 19, where I learned the excitement of and down right joy in not knowing what's going to happen next. I was totally cool with not having a room reserved upon landing in a new city where they didn't even speak my language (or so they pretended). I practically never straightened my hair and I didn't look at a food label, not even one, the entire time I was there. Everything was so uncalculated, and fresh. Maybe it's because I was so far removed from my reality at home. Maybe it's because I was 19. So here's the real question- how do I recreate that feeling when I'm a married mother of two, with a home to care for, and two pets, and bills? How do I let go and still hang on to the things that are most important?
I guess I could wear my hair curly more often. And maybe not read a dozen consumer reports before buying something or eating at a restaurant. Maybe I could schedule a little more time to do nothing scheduled.

Janet

Phone Call

Day 208

Today I learned to have compassion for the person on the other end of the phone that has been put in the unfortunate position of bearing bad news. It's not all about me. There's a story behind this, so if you're ever interested I'll tell you about it sometime.

Janet

45 Lessons

Day 207

My dad sent this to me this morning- and coming from a 70 year old man who has raised 6 children, fought in a war, and traveled the world- I think it's worth paying some attention.

45 Lessons in Life

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short wasting time hating someone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch with them.
5. Pay off your credit cards each month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God sometimes. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in a blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare- then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait until you're old to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, "Will this matter in five years?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is. Not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and live the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life may not be tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Janet

*This was a PowerPoint email with some gorgeous wintery landscape images. I'm not sure who compiled the quotes but if you'd like me to send you the slides, just let me know.

Books

Day 206

I spent the evening at Barnes and Noble and paged through a few books that seemed to coincide with different things I've been feeling lately. So, today I was reminded of the fact that we are not alone. There is nothing- no pain, fear, joy, or pointless obsession that hasn't been experienced by someone else, somewhere else and been written about. It is very comforting to know even one other person walked in my flip-flops and had the presence of mind to publish a book about it.

Janet

White Noise

Day 205 Wednesday September 15

Today I learned that "Time-Outs" are so much more manageable when I shut Emma's door, my door, and turn on both the box fan and ceiling fan. Suddenly there is no more crying!

Janet

Lack of Progress

Day 204 Monday September 12

Today I realized that my life is pretty much represented by the quote "Two steps forward, one step back." Except for me it's more like, "Two steps forward, three steps back!" I can never quite get ahead. I've had my mitt on for a while now, just waiting to catch my break and it doesn't seem to be working. I guess I'm going to have to go out and find it instead.

Janet

Cancer

Day 203

If you've ever known anyone that has endured cancer, been through it yourself, or just always been interested in staving off cancer, you've got to watch this!

http://www.learnsomethingnewtoday.org/?p=361

Janet

Ghost In the Graveyard

Day 202

Today I was reminded of just how important it is to party sometimes. Not in an alcoholic binge kind of way, but in a 13-year-old-ghost-in-the-graveyard-running-around-like-you-don't-have-a-care-in-the-world kind of way. Oh- I also learned that life is soooooo much more fun when you don't give a crap what people think about you. It's easier that way too, less stressful.

Janet

Birth and Death

Day 201 (Tuesday, September 7)

Today I learned just how important it is to allow yourself to feel, and grieve, and express yourself. I have been trying so desperately to move on from the pain associated with this miscarriage- and denial was really working for me until tonight when I was leaving Target and was confronted with a 16 year old, crackhead looking, 11 month pregnant girl who was smoking a cigarette and drinking a Starbucks. Thankfully I am not one of those women who struggles being around pregnant women and babies. It doesn't pain me to watch the joy on their faces. What does pain me is seeing a woman who couldn't care less about her unborn child, or mistreats the child she does have, while there are billions of women around the world who are trying to get pregnant and either can't get pregnant or can't hold a pregnancy. Seeing her tonight brought on emotions that I was so completely unprepared for. I feel like I'm carrying not only my pain, but I'm suddenly more sensitive to the suffering of every women who has ever known this kind of loss. Thankfully I was surrounded by some of my close friends and sisters tonight and I was free to express myself fully- which I haven't truly done since this whole mess started. I guess all those psychologists, with their grieving process, were right on. You really can't skip any of the stages. You can try, but it will come up to bite you unexpectedly in a grocery store parking lot.

It finally occurred to me why this particular trial is so excruciating. Miscarriage and stillbirth leave you so completely vulnerable to the two most fundamental aspects of our mortal experience: Birth and death. And you're expected to cope with both of them simultaneously, usually without any answers, and very little hope. A miscarriage rocks any trust you had in your body and leads you to begin questioning if you're capable of anything worthwhile. There is a total loss of innocence when it comes to future pregnancies. I will never be so blissfully unaware again- and I resent that. How do people go on to new pregnancies and not be completely stricken with panic every time they feel the slightest twinge, or cramp? I am now so aware of how out of control we all really are. How do I quiet the "what if's" when I'm trying to go to sleep or concentrate? How do I mourn this tiny, but very significant life? There's nothing for me to hold, or look at. There aren't any memories or pictures, or even a body to bury. Why are there people that are so complacent about miscarriage? Even if you've never experienced it and you've never had trouble giving birth- why aren't you more sensitive to the pain? This was a life! Scientists have proven that at the moment of conception the embryo has all the DNA necessary to become a fully functioning human being- so why isn't this loss given the same sensitivity and attention as if a living, breathing child had died? And the physical aspect also seems to be so overlooked- there is a great deal of physical pain and a frightening amount of blood associated with miscarriage. You're constantly wondering if this is normal, could I die from this? Will the bleeding ever stop? And not only that but you're stuck between this paralyzing fear of and desperate need to see the fetus. Your heart feels like it's going to beat out of your chest each time you go to the bathroom for fear of what you're going to see.
But a friend recently comforted me with two comments. First she reminded me of one my core values and how important a role it plays in my current circumstances- Faith. Second she made a promise, that with time I will begin to recover. It's a miracle that we've been given on this earth, the ability to heal, both physically and emotionally. I still don't understand how, but people do heal from some of the most unexplainable, agonizing events. They may still carry scars, but they do heal.

Janet

Breakfast

Day 200

Two words- Omelet Parlor.

There is no competing with a restaurant that's been around for 60 years, with its dirty baseboards and overworked, multi-tasking employees that plop down the most delicious, comforting, tried and true recipes. How can you complain when you're given a pancake the size of our planet?

Oh- and by the way, I've made it to day 200. At this rate I should finish the blog that was meant to document each day for a year...in about two years!

Janet

Food

Day 199

I just got done watching "Food, inc." The movie had some really gory revelations about the food industry that got me thinking twice about my three meals a day. It also left my stomach feeling sour.

Janet

Walk in England

Day 198

During the time that I lived in England I was introduced by my best friend to some of my, now favorite, quotes- these brilliant thoughts of hers that I decided to document and use on a regular basis. On a particularly foggy, chilly Autumn day we drove into the country to have dinner with an American family that we had become friends with. To get there you had to drive down this tiny little dirt road that was blanketed by dense deciduous trees, with their dandelion, fire, and pumpkin colored leaves falling like feathers in the dense air. Once we got there it was a while before dinner so Autum and I took a walk. Suddenly we realized we weren't alone when we were confronted by something straight out of a nursery book about farms. It was a huge, black and white cow. My initial reaction was fear- the animal stood as tall as me and I'm almost 6 feet. But Autum walked right up to it and began petting it like it was a barn cat. So I followed her and I will never forget how soft this animal was, and gentle. A cow might not seem so incredible but I had never been in an environment before this where cows could roam so freely, where I could roam so freely for that matter. Later during our walk we stopped on a bridge that looked over a quiet, partially frozen river. By this point the fog was thick and we were beginning to see our breath and everything was so still. It truly looked like I had stepped out of my life and into something by Currier and Ives- a postcard used to advertise the beauty of this place. One of my favorite things to do is ask people what they're thinking. I probably ask that very question 10 times a day every day and so it only seemed natural for me to ask Autum what she was thinking during such a breathtaking moment. She responded with what has become one of my favorite lines- "I'm not really thinking, just feeling."
How much happier would I be if I could apply that more often to my life? How much beauty am I missing because I'm busy obsessing, over analysing, over complicating? Well today I chose to abandon my thoughts and give way to my feelings.

And thankfully- they were mostly warm and fuzzy.

Janet

Turning Over a New Leaf

Day 197

Since ancient times, September has been viewed as the beginning of a new year, a time for reflection and resolution. Jews observe the High Holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of public and private atonement, a sacred withdrawal from the world for twenty-four hours in order to become right with God and others, so that real life might be renewed with passion and purpose. Change in the natural world is subtle but relentless; seasons seem to give way gently to one another, even if the monthly motion is so swift we don't realize we're moving. But when the leaves start turning colors, it's time for turning over a personal new leaf so that our lives might be restored. "What we need in autumn is an emotional or spiritual shot in the arm." Katharine Elizabeth Fite wrote in Good Housekeeping in 1949, urging the beginning of a new tradition for women; personal and positive resolutions in September. "Why do you suppose so many of us waste the autumn? Why don't we make the effort that would provide something new in our lives?" January's negative resolutions "are made when we are worn out in spirit, body, and pocketbook, and have no real urge to do anything but rest."
It seems to me that January resolutions are about will; September resolutions are about authentic wants. What do you want more or less of in your life, so that you can love the life you're leading? It could be as simple as seeing friends more often, setting aside time to have adventures with your children while they still want your companionship, rekindling romance in your daily round, calling a solitary hour a day your own, or just taking more walks in the dazzling sunshine.
The beauty of autumnal resolutions is that no one else knows we're making them. Autumnal resolutions don't require horns, confetti, and champagne. September resolutions ask only that we be open to positive change. I can try to do that. So can you.



Janet

Quote from Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Fifth Disease

Day 196

Today I learned that my baby boy has "Fifth Disease," and according to my doctor, the disease also seems to be responsible for the miscarriage- especially since I was exposed during the first month of pregnancy. This is a harsh world. As if we don't already have enough to worry about with the reality of terrorism, global warming, and financial crisis- there are also airborne microbes just waiting to abort our unborn children. It's a miracle anyone survives.

Janet