Day 265
You know those moments when you feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing? Well, I had the rare pleasure of experiencing that today. And even though it was a fleeting feeling, it was so beautiful. I wasn't doing anything especially wonderful at the moment I felt it- but I was overwhelmed by a sense of well-being. And what's even more awesome is that I didn't chase it away with my usual superstitious attitude. I didn't worry over whether or not my feeling good was going to jinx me into the throws of some horrible catastrophe. There have been very few times in my life that I've just enjoyed a moment for the good moment it is...especially when it didn't involve chocolate.
Janet
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
No Line
Day 264
Well- I woke up today to another negative pregnancy test. I'm actually embarrassed to admit how sad this makes me. Especially since I never thought I'd be this person. I always figured I'd be too busy touring the world at my age to care if I was pregnant or not. But I am this person, and happy to be. Becoming a mother was the biggest thing I could have aspired to be, and so I think it's only natural that I feel upset when the little extra line doesn't pop up. But I decided today that I have the choice to spend my morning crying, or spend it counting my blessings. We'll see which one wins.
Janet
Well- I woke up today to another negative pregnancy test. I'm actually embarrassed to admit how sad this makes me. Especially since I never thought I'd be this person. I always figured I'd be too busy touring the world at my age to care if I was pregnant or not. But I am this person, and happy to be. Becoming a mother was the biggest thing I could have aspired to be, and so I think it's only natural that I feel upset when the little extra line doesn't pop up. But I decided today that I have the choice to spend my morning crying, or spend it counting my blessings. We'll see which one wins.
Janet
Friday, January 21, 2011
Day 263
On Wednesday, I punctured my hand with a pair of scissors while trying to cut through a thick piece of plastic. The blades went straight through the skin between my pointer finger and thumb- all the way to my wrist. Unfortunately, the wound was too deep for a simple band-aide, so I experienced having stitches put in for the first time. And that was no fun! But today I learned the power of asking for help. I am throwing my best friend's bridal shower tomorrow and had all sorts of intricate, detailed tasks to prepare for it. That was my initial thought when I cut my hand. It wasn't the blood. It wasn't the pain, or the concern over whether or not I injured my tendons or nerves. It was honestly, "How am I going to get everything done for Autum's shower?" But all I had to do was make 2 phone calls, and my house was filled with loving, willing hands- more than happy to lighten my load. I am so thankful!
Janet
On Wednesday, I punctured my hand with a pair of scissors while trying to cut through a thick piece of plastic. The blades went straight through the skin between my pointer finger and thumb- all the way to my wrist. Unfortunately, the wound was too deep for a simple band-aide, so I experienced having stitches put in for the first time. And that was no fun! But today I learned the power of asking for help. I am throwing my best friend's bridal shower tomorrow and had all sorts of intricate, detailed tasks to prepare for it. That was my initial thought when I cut my hand. It wasn't the blood. It wasn't the pain, or the concern over whether or not I injured my tendons or nerves. It was honestly, "How am I going to get everything done for Autum's shower?" But all I had to do was make 2 phone calls, and my house was filled with loving, willing hands- more than happy to lighten my load. I am so thankful!
Janet
Monday, January 17, 2011
Humility
Day 262
I would like to share some advice given by Richard Carlson, PH.D. in his book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff." About humility he says, "Humility and inner peace go hand in hand. The less compelled you are to try to prove yourself to others, the easier it is to feel peaceful inside.
Proving yourself is a dangerous trap. It takes an enormous amount of energy to be continually pointing out your accomplishments, bragging, or trying to convince others of your worth as a human being. Bragging actually dilutes the positive feelings you receive from an accomplishment or something you are proud of. To make matters worse, the more you try to prove yourself, the more others will avoid you, talk behind your back about your insecure need to brag, and perhaps even resent you.
Ironically, however, the less you care about seeking approval, the more approval you seem to get. People are drawn to those with a quiet, inner confidence, people who don't need to make themselves look good, be 'right' all the time, or steal the glory. Most people love a person who doesn't need to brag, a person who shares from his or her heart and not from his or her ego.
The way to develop genuine humility is to practice. It's nice because you will get immediate inner feedback in the way of calm, easy feelings. The next time you have an opportunity to brag, resist the temptation."
I agree with this completely...but the key here is being sincerely humble. There is nothing worse than someone who is fake with their false humility, like Mrs. Elton from Jane Austin's "Emma," when she says statements like, "I don't like to brag, but my friends do say I am quite the musician."
Obviously the perfect model of humility is seen in the life of Jesus Christ- He was perfect- but still maintained his humility. So all of us non-perfect folks shouldn't be so compelled to brag.
Janet
I would like to share some advice given by Richard Carlson, PH.D. in his book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff." About humility he says, "Humility and inner peace go hand in hand. The less compelled you are to try to prove yourself to others, the easier it is to feel peaceful inside.
Proving yourself is a dangerous trap. It takes an enormous amount of energy to be continually pointing out your accomplishments, bragging, or trying to convince others of your worth as a human being. Bragging actually dilutes the positive feelings you receive from an accomplishment or something you are proud of. To make matters worse, the more you try to prove yourself, the more others will avoid you, talk behind your back about your insecure need to brag, and perhaps even resent you.
Ironically, however, the less you care about seeking approval, the more approval you seem to get. People are drawn to those with a quiet, inner confidence, people who don't need to make themselves look good, be 'right' all the time, or steal the glory. Most people love a person who doesn't need to brag, a person who shares from his or her heart and not from his or her ego.
The way to develop genuine humility is to practice. It's nice because you will get immediate inner feedback in the way of calm, easy feelings. The next time you have an opportunity to brag, resist the temptation."
I agree with this completely...but the key here is being sincerely humble. There is nothing worse than someone who is fake with their false humility, like Mrs. Elton from Jane Austin's "Emma," when she says statements like, "I don't like to brag, but my friends do say I am quite the musician."
Obviously the perfect model of humility is seen in the life of Jesus Christ- He was perfect- but still maintained his humility. So all of us non-perfect folks shouldn't be so compelled to brag.
Janet
Sunday, January 16, 2011
"I'm Just a Little Girl"
Day 261
This evening as I was trying desperately to get my house in order before the week starts, Emma followed me around making messes behind my every step. She was just doing everything she could to frustrate me...not intentionally...but still. Anyway- I snapped at her and she began crying so sincerely. Then, with this heart wrenching tone, she said, "Why are you yelling at me? Why are you so mad? I'm just a little girl!" In that moment my whole world crashed right on top of me and all I could do was take her in my arms and apologize, and cry myself. So tonight I learned a couple things:
This evening as I was trying desperately to get my house in order before the week starts, Emma followed me around making messes behind my every step. She was just doing everything she could to frustrate me...not intentionally...but still. Anyway- I snapped at her and she began crying so sincerely. Then, with this heart wrenching tone, she said, "Why are you yelling at me? Why are you so mad? I'm just a little girl!" In that moment my whole world crashed right on top of me and all I could do was take her in my arms and apologize, and cry myself. So tonight I learned a couple things:
- Pick on somebody your own size.
- Yelling is completely pointless and just tears people down and creates more hurt feelings and tension.
- The one thing I'm not failing at as a parent is that I'm sure to give my children plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness.
I feel like such a mess.
Janet
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Trenton
Day 260
I realize it has been a week since my last post. That is because I have been slammed by the most unbelievably awful cold/flu and this is the first day I've been able to sit upright for more than 10 minutes since the stupid germs first invaded my body. This week I learned how much my husband loves me. First, because he's been so helpful as I've been down. He has washed dishes, done laundry, served me meals in bed (including the random condiments I require). He has played with the kids, fed the animals, and made runs to the drugstore at 5 am...in addition to his day job.
Secondly- he has not only put up with, but has actively participated in every single, calculated, monitored moment of my ovulation. It has been almost 6 months since I miscarried and apparently the "old fashioned" way of making babies is no longer enough to get this woman pregnant. So, to add to all of Trenton's endearing qualities, he has also bravely entered dollar stores around the city in search of ovulation prediction kits and pregnancy tests on his way home from work. When this all started, he was too embarrassed to bring only the tests up to the checkout counter, so it became a game for me to look in the bag and see what else he threw in there to be less conspicuous. Sometimes it was a bunch of toothbrushes and garlic powder. Other times, maybe some hot sauce, or fabric spray, or a coloring book for the kids. And each time he'd enter the house saying, "Here you go Babe- I brought you some more things to pee on." But enough months have passed since this whole process started that he now proudly enters the store and heads straight toward the check-out (they keep the tests behind the counter to discourage frightened 16 year olds from stealing the pregnancy tests.) I wouldn't be surprised if he knows, not only the cashier's name, but that of her children and grandchildren, by now. I remember a time when I was almost judgemental of these women who feel the need to predict their ovulation. I used to think, "Why wouldn't they just 'take to the bed' every day to be sure their bases are covered?" And I am quickly learning that it's because trying to make a baby is exhausting- and heaven forbid, in a moment of pure exhaustion, you miss those crucial 24-36 hours! But that isn't my point to all of this. I am so thankful for my husband. I love that he is so loving and playful with our babies. I love that he shares in all the responsibilities of our life together- the kids, the house, the bills, church, my ovulation... I love that he finds the humor in any situation, and refuses to take life too seriously. I love that man!
So maybe that's the whole point to my, hopefully brief, infertility. I now fully appreciate the man who's making it all possible! He truly is my best friend. And since I'm already being so corny, I also have to say- I love this man so much more than the day I married him...and that's saying something, because I loved him desperately on our wedding day.
Janet
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hope
Day 250
Today I learned the power of optimism. Even just a little optimism can change the whole course of your day, or month- or life, if you let it.
After meeting with a doctor that really seemed interested in helping me today, I finally allowed myself to dream again. I know this is sounding corny- but stay with me. For so long I have been in this horrible fog. This dark tunnel with very little hope of an exit and I actually let go of all the things that make me happy. I stopped looking forward to the future. I gave up on goals that, at one point, were very realistic to me. I don't even know how to describe the depressing places my mind was going- so I won't. Instead I will tell you that the little glimpse of hope and optimism this doctor gave me opened me up again to a whole world of interests, goals, and dreams I had given up on a long time ago. So my point to all this is that if you are sad, or worried, overwhelmed, feeling lost, anxious, or anything else that falls in this category- there really is something to be said for looking on the bright side. And I'm coming to learn that every situation has a bright side. My mistake was waiting for the doctor to give me that hope when I should have taken all the steps necessary to obtain and maintain it myself. I truly believe that positivity can heal you, or at least keep you from jumping off a bridge while you're working on healing yourself.
I also have to apologize. I am so embarrassed by how negative I've been. This isn't who I am. I'm not a complainer. And I promise I won't complain about my health again on this blog.
Janet
Today I learned the power of optimism. Even just a little optimism can change the whole course of your day, or month- or life, if you let it.
After meeting with a doctor that really seemed interested in helping me today, I finally allowed myself to dream again. I know this is sounding corny- but stay with me. For so long I have been in this horrible fog. This dark tunnel with very little hope of an exit and I actually let go of all the things that make me happy. I stopped looking forward to the future. I gave up on goals that, at one point, were very realistic to me. I don't even know how to describe the depressing places my mind was going- so I won't. Instead I will tell you that the little glimpse of hope and optimism this doctor gave me opened me up again to a whole world of interests, goals, and dreams I had given up on a long time ago. So my point to all this is that if you are sad, or worried, overwhelmed, feeling lost, anxious, or anything else that falls in this category- there really is something to be said for looking on the bright side. And I'm coming to learn that every situation has a bright side. My mistake was waiting for the doctor to give me that hope when I should have taken all the steps necessary to obtain and maintain it myself. I truly believe that positivity can heal you, or at least keep you from jumping off a bridge while you're working on healing yourself.
I also have to apologize. I am so embarrassed by how negative I've been. This isn't who I am. I'm not a complainer. And I promise I won't complain about my health again on this blog.
Janet
Monday, January 3, 2011
Still Sick
Day 249
Do you ever feel like you're dying and nobody will take you seriously until you're actually dead? If you don't remember my earlier post, "Help, I'm Sick!", I've been sick for a while. Unfortunately my symptoms have been getting worse, despite the various drugs they've prescribed. Now I'm nauseated all day, have zero energy, and there is blood coming from places blood should never come from. And the worst part is that I have the most excruciating pain in my right side, directly under my ribcage which goes around to the back. I could literally draw a box around where the pain is. I have been to several doctors with these complaints- One performed laproscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis, another sent me for a CT scan and ultrasound of my gallbladder, and both looked fine. Another doctor just suggested I quit eating solids altogether and live on high calorie milkshakes indefinitely. Finally I was referred to a gastrointerologist who is supposed to be "the best" but they couldn't get me into their office until the end of January (the appointment was made in the middle of November.) This weekend my symptoms spiked and I called this morning to see if they could fit me in any sooner, and thankfully they will get in me on Wednesday. I was stunned by the response of the receptionist when I asked for her advice. I told her, "I can't keep food in me longer than an hour, the right side of my abdomen hurts to the touch, and when I use the restroom there is fresh blood." And all she had to say was, "You should just be glad we're getting you in as soon as we are!"
And she's right...I should be glad. But today I don't happen to be glad. I can't shake this feeling that there is something really wrong. You can't be this sick and not have something wrong with you! I wake up every single night, in a cold sweat, with this sense of urgency to get my business in order because I'm haunted with this feeling that I'm going to die before someone figures out what's wrong with me.
Maybe this is stemming from anxiety- It could just be a bad case of hypochondria. But based on my intuition and past experiences, I'm more likely to believe that my body is desperately trying to clue me in on something that is happening inside of me.
And here is the craziest part...I have been going on with my life like everything is fine! Other than some complaints here and there, I still work, and take care of my kids, and do my calling in church. I try to be a good wife and mom. I still put makeup on and style my hair, and pull outfits together. Trenton is totally freaked because "all of the sudden" I'm completely falling apart. What he doesn't seem to understand (to no fault of his own) is that I've been total mush on the inside for a very long time. And I'm finally in so much pain that I can't keep it up anymore. I just need to figure this out. I have got to find out what is making me so sick. I have learned that nobody else is going to be my advocate. Nobody else is going to make sure I'm having the appropriate tests done and following up with the right doctors.
Janet
Do you ever feel like you're dying and nobody will take you seriously until you're actually dead? If you don't remember my earlier post, "Help, I'm Sick!", I've been sick for a while. Unfortunately my symptoms have been getting worse, despite the various drugs they've prescribed. Now I'm nauseated all day, have zero energy, and there is blood coming from places blood should never come from. And the worst part is that I have the most excruciating pain in my right side, directly under my ribcage which goes around to the back. I could literally draw a box around where the pain is. I have been to several doctors with these complaints- One performed laproscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis, another sent me for a CT scan and ultrasound of my gallbladder, and both looked fine. Another doctor just suggested I quit eating solids altogether and live on high calorie milkshakes indefinitely. Finally I was referred to a gastrointerologist who is supposed to be "the best" but they couldn't get me into their office until the end of January (the appointment was made in the middle of November.) This weekend my symptoms spiked and I called this morning to see if they could fit me in any sooner, and thankfully they will get in me on Wednesday. I was stunned by the response of the receptionist when I asked for her advice. I told her, "I can't keep food in me longer than an hour, the right side of my abdomen hurts to the touch, and when I use the restroom there is fresh blood." And all she had to say was, "You should just be glad we're getting you in as soon as we are!"
And she's right...I should be glad. But today I don't happen to be glad. I can't shake this feeling that there is something really wrong. You can't be this sick and not have something wrong with you! I wake up every single night, in a cold sweat, with this sense of urgency to get my business in order because I'm haunted with this feeling that I'm going to die before someone figures out what's wrong with me.
Maybe this is stemming from anxiety- It could just be a bad case of hypochondria. But based on my intuition and past experiences, I'm more likely to believe that my body is desperately trying to clue me in on something that is happening inside of me.
And here is the craziest part...I have been going on with my life like everything is fine! Other than some complaints here and there, I still work, and take care of my kids, and do my calling in church. I try to be a good wife and mom. I still put makeup on and style my hair, and pull outfits together. Trenton is totally freaked because "all of the sudden" I'm completely falling apart. What he doesn't seem to understand (to no fault of his own) is that I've been total mush on the inside for a very long time. And I'm finally in so much pain that I can't keep it up anymore. I just need to figure this out. I have got to find out what is making me so sick. I have learned that nobody else is going to be my advocate. Nobody else is going to make sure I'm having the appropriate tests done and following up with the right doctors.
Janet
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